pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
