i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
