After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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