ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
