woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
