My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
