I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
