I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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