thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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