wanna go halves on a baby?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
