The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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