On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
