Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We don't watch enough power rangers
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
