my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
