this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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