Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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