I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
