There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
