I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
