Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
