she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
