he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
