in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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