Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
