I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
