im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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