Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
