My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
