Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
