Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
