Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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