Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
