Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
