It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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