i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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