The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
