I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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