she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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