Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
