why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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