I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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