i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Life without a bra equals bliss.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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