No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My breath smells like gin and sadness
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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