The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
