nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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