Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
