Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
