I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
