I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
