They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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