she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
