i used baking grease as lip gloss
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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