just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
