I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
