I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
